Aylin 7 months, and Reflections

The last 2 weeks have brought with them a lot of changes to our lives. About 3 weeks ago I interviewed for a Replenishment Analyst position at Walmart. A week ago this past Thursday I was made an offer and promptly accepted. This is a big step for me, but brings with it lots of changes for our family. I will now be management, and not hourly. So I will be required to work longer hours. As well as 1 Saturday morning a month. This also means more income for our family. In addition it means that I see my daughter less.

In amongst the big job change, we also are transitioning Aylin to staying home with daddy. The daycare has been gracious enough to let us stretch out our already paid for month, into next month and move her to part time on Tues/Thurs thru 10/15. This means Jeff has Aylin at home Mon/Wed/Fri. This was our first week, and things went fantastic. This also means that I don't get to see my daughter as much because I don't get to spend my lunch break with her. But she seems to be doing so much better at home with daddy, than in daycare. She takes better naps, I think she may even be eating better (it's hard to tell), and most importantly; she gets to spend good quality time with daddy. With this change, Grandma Adrienne/Aunt Melinda/Granny (Virginia) have volunteered to watch Aylin when work comes up for him that is either not on a Tues/Thurs, or once we are no longer part time at daycare. (THANKS GUYS!!!) This will be a huge help, and we are very thankful for their willingness.

We have, as most people in the present economy, found ourselves financially unstable. So far we have managed things well, but we never seem to know where that next chunk of money is going to come from that will keep us from disaster. But He has been faithful! Either work for Jeff has come available right in time, or like this past week: I received a check from Walmart from their associate in critical need fund. I had never thought that I would have been a candidate for the fund, I assumed this was for people worse off than myself. However I was highly encouraged to apply. The fund is designed to help an associate cover mortgage, or utilities in circumstances exactly like ours (any many others too). All I had to do was fill out a form, provide copies of the bills, and 4 days later I had a check. Praise God! It was just in time for the mortgage, and also allowed us to fill our propane tank for the winter!

I have also had the unfortunate experience of seeing the ugly side of people once again. Which always seems to be so hard on me, becaues I tend to always try to find the good in people. But I saw the ugliest side of my boss yesterday. I had been told by my boss that if I finished a very important (import) project by the end of this past week then they would release me to my new job starting Monday. So all week long I worked my tail off, recruited help outside of my department, and managed to get the task complete by 3pm Thursday. I sent my celebratory and FYI this project is complete email. In addition to calling my boss since she was not at the office. She told me first thing Friday morning she would talk to my new boss and see about getting me switched over. I was also supposed to go and meet my new team at 9am Friday. So in the time that I was using the Mother's room immediately before the meeting, and then the 1 hr team meeting that I attended my current boss (who sits next to me) sent me an email that told me my new start date would be 10/10... no explination just 1 sentense. So I gave her the benefit of a doubt and thought OK maybe she means thats when I won't be tansitioning any more and I won't be asked to help train their new person after that date. I waited for a bit to see if I could discuss with her in person. But she was no where to be found. So I emailed her and asked if that meant transition, or what? Then I left to use the restroom. In that time (2 minutes?) she came back responded to my email, no your start date is 10/10, and was gone again... so then I was mad. I had been promised one thing, and now it was not happening, and I felt like I was being used. So I wait impatiently for her to get back to her desk so we could discuss. She finally returns and is promptly on her phone... see a pattern yet? I'm being avoided. So once she is finally off her phone I ask her; "So what's the story here?", she responds: "What do you mean?". I explained that she had told me if I completed the project that she would release me to work with my new team. She looks at me blank and said: "I never made that commitment, I'm sorry if you got that impression, but that's not what I said"... WOW I was blown away! I told her that actually that was what she said, and that I worked my ass off to get the project done because of it. Then I was told "Well that's what is expected of you any how", to which I responded "I realize that, but I would never have recruited the help outside of my department to complete it, if I hadn't been told to get it done in that time frame. Because it would not have been necesary if I was going to be around for another 2 weeks I could have completed it on my own. To this she responded "I really don't appreciate this attidute after all that I've done for you"... Again WOW I felt like she had just thrown it in my face that she had assisted me in the right contacts to help me apply for the position I am going to, but I also felt that she was throwing in my face her help in the check that I received for assistance. It was just rotten all the way around! I was also told that she had to look out for the interest of her team, and that she needed me to be around to train the new person... the new person whom she wasn't even sure if she would be starting Monday or not. I explained to her that there wasn't much in the way of training that I could do in 2 weeks for someone (who may or may not be around) who did not have access to our systems, and was not familiar with them already. But that doesn't matter, because I'm pretty sure she hadn't even thought of it before I brought it up. Somewhere after our confrontation she decided to "see what she could do to move me over to management for this Monday, but I could come over for 1/2 days to help train when the new associate started". Who knows if it actually happened or not, because at this point I obviously don't trust anything that comes out of her mouth. Needless to say I can't wait to start my new position. It would not have been such a huge deal if she just wan't able to make the change happen, and just told me that... But she told me she never made that promise in the first place, like she had no intention of even trying! People can be so horrible some times!

Now on to happier things: AYLIN!

She is now 7 months old. She sits up beautifully on her own. She has 2 teeth! Both on the bottom, the first arrived Labor Day weekend, the second started about a week later. We think that she is starting to know that mama is me, and dada is Jeff. Alto she has multiple associations for mama and dada. She makes the most hilarious wounded dinosaur noises. She'll growl and gurgle really low sounds from the back of her throat really loud, but they are happy sounds! She CHEWS on EVERYTHING, she especially loves glasses (like the ones on daddy's face). She loves to be out and about, Walmart, the mall, the fair, anywhere there are new people she loves it. She's eating babyfoods with meats in them, but doesn't much care for the chicken and noodles kind. We got very mad over that one. She does like the sweet potatoes and turkey, and spagetti w. meat. She also LOVES her baby mum mum rice crackers and her veggie flavored corn puffs. She's also learning to use a sippy cup. She loves it, even tho she makes a mess and hasn't quite figured it out yet. We usually give her pedialyte in it and she'll kind of play with it. But she loves anything that she can do on her own (rice crackers and sippy cups especially). She is a very independant little booger. She's thinking about scooting a little. When on her belly she pivots to one side or the other. And occasionally sticks her bottom in the air, or raises up really high on her arms. But hasn't done both in combination yet. We tried real banana's once, but really didn't like those. She watched her first movie: Milo & Otis and loved it. It was a great distraction while we were teething w. tooth #2. Her hair is starting to get thicker and longer. But is still as wild as ever. It stands on end at all times. As soon as it's dry after a bath it poofs up again, no matter how much I brush it flat! But it's adorable so I'm not worried about it. Daddy calls her his little dandilion. She also (if you can imagine) has a temper like no other. When she gets mad or frustrated there is no turning back. Watch out world! These tempers are usually associated with trying to get our bib off She HATES to wear a bib now, and pulls and pulls until she gets it off. If she can't get it off then full blown tantrum ensues. She also managed to get her shirt off at daycare. Apparently once the bib was off, the shirt had to go too... not looking forward to the I-wanna-undress-myself phase... isn't this a little early for that? Pictures soon to follow!

How now shall we live?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. [I know, that’s kind of like me saying, “I’ve been breathing a lot lately." I’ve had a lot of time on my hands, which invariably leads to more thinking than usual.] Anyway, I’ve had a lot of time on my hands, because I’m not working much. In fact, if something doesn’t change soon… well, something has to change soon. We’ll just leave it at that. Really, we’ve been struggling to get ahead for a few years. Some of that’s our fault; we made some short-sighted decisions with our money. Some of it, though, just falls into the “shit happens”* category. Life never works out the way you think it will, does it? I planned to start my own business, I just hadn't planned to do so in the midst of the worst economic crisis our country's seen since the Great Depression. Life changed my mind for me. We're dealing with it, and if we ruin our credit or lose our house or whatever, we'll deal with that. Because you know what? It's ours to deal with. We don't expect anyone to come bail us out. There are plenty of followers of Christ who're homeless, hungry, and alone right now. There but by His grace go I.

Anyway, all those thoughts rattling around in my head bounced off some other ideas that have been growing in there for a number of years, and some of them knocked loose, and they sprouted some new ideas, and then a conversation I had with a friend the other night provided the catalyst for the fusion reaction, the dubious benefits of which you're now reaping. It should already be obvious to you that this is a little different than what you're used to seeing in this blog, but its tone and content won't surprise those of you who've known me a long time. We never said this would be all about Aylin. ;)

Please understand, too: I'm not personally attacking anyone. I'm sure there are a few of you who'll think I am anyway. It's not about you. You just provided grist for the mill. I've moved past people to principles. If it hurts when I poke at it, though, maybe you ought to think about letting The Doctor look at it. Remember: I'm walking the same road each of you are.

"All right, get to the point already, Jeff. What are you rambling about now?" I'm talking about the apostle Paul. I'm talking about New Testament Christianity in our time. And I'm talking about how far away we are now as a Body of Christ from fulfilling our calling.

Paul

I see Paul as the seminal example of what a Christian missionary looks like. We're all called to be missionaries, so I see Paul's example as instructive to each of us. He was a preacher and missionary, but he also was a tent-maker. He understood that the churches to which he was preaching had limited financial means, and he underwrote his own expenses, so as not to be a burden to them. We don't know much about the economic climate of the various communities Paul ministered to, but it's safe to assume that early Christians struggled to get by, much like most folks these days do the same. Is that what Paul meant about not wanting to be a burden to them? Maybe. Paul's kind of hard to fathom sometimes. I'd say that was part of it, but I also tend to think that he was thinking about what else they could be putting their money toward. If they weren't paying the preacher, they could be helping that crazy lady that lives down the block buy groceries. Or maybe they could help that young family in the church whose home just burned down, if only they didn't have apportionments to meet. Or maybe… you get the idea. Less overhead means more operating capital, if you want to look at it that way. Or, from yet another perspective, why should the church have to support someone whom God has given the ability to be self-supporting? I think it's fair also to assume that Paul wasn't in "the mission field" full-time for his entire career. That doesn't seem to have detrimentally affected his impact on the world, does it? Why do we think we have to do things differently?

It's important for me to remind us here that we are all called to use our spiritual gifts in the church. We're all called to be in ministry, though I think that's supposed to look different than it now does. More on that in a minute. If we're all called to be in ministry, and if Paul's ministry is more or less universally instructive, then it follows that we should all support our own ministry efforts by our own labors. I realize there are arguments for the other side; I'm just unswayed by them.

The church

A lot of you know I quit going to church a long time ago. I haven't given up my faith in Christ, so don't waste your time praying for my soul. Me and Jesus are just fine, thanks for asking. Part of the reason I quit going to brick-and-mortar church buildings is because of what you just read: I believe Scripture calls us all to be self-supportive and in ministry.

Part of why I quit going, though, is because I firmly believe we've wrongly fallen back into the Old Testament temple model of worship. The best example we have of what the New Testament church looked like is in Acts 2. I believe that's what a post-resurrection church is supposed to look like. Those early churches looked a lot different, in form and in function, than what modern churches look like. They met exclusively, as far as we can tell, in someone's home, not in a specially-constructed building or a rented storefront; they ate together regularly; they pooled their resources to help those in need. In fact, the description sounds an awful lot like a 1960's hippie commune without all the "free love".

Why then are we diluting our tithes, paying salaries and light bills and mortgages? Why do we have a separate "in-ministry" class of people who depend entirely (or mostly) on others for their livelihood? Do we think the early New Testament churches only were the way they were because of the social stigma of being Christian? Think again, folks. The reasons Jesus railed against the Jewish temple are still in ample evidence today in our churches. It was for many of the same reasons Paul taught against Greek temples. No, our temples are no different than theirs. Constantine moved us into a pagan Roman temple and we've been there ever since. It's past time we grew up and embraced our calling. It's time our preachers went out and got jobs. It's time we closed the doors on our church buildings and moved the Body of Christ back into the home. It's time each of us took responsibility for our own livelihood and faith.

Who we are as People of Christ

It's too hard to tell us apart from the rest of the world in the right ways. Oh, we Christians stand out all right: We're the rude people in the restaurant on Sunday who leave crappy tips, or none at all. We're the people screaming, "You lie!" at our God-given authorities. We're killing abortion doctors. We're blindly ignoring science on every front, not using the minds the Good Lord gave us. Gray frightens us; we prefer black or white because those colors lend themselves easily to judgment. We're afraid to feel the pain of others, or to let them feel our own with us. We don't want to know or be known.

We stand out. But in the wrong ways. When it comes to the social behaviors that demonstrate Christ has made a difference in our lives, we look painfully like the rest of the world. We are conspicuous consumers of wealth. We are unfaithful to our spouses. We are hateful to fellow human beings, just because they disagree with us. We stigmatize those who are different by labeling them "gay" or "lost" or "un-believing". We separate ourselves from our own families when they make choices we can't condone. We grow our families as if Jesus' only concern is having more followers than Mohammed when the rapture comes, rather than demonstrating how the love of Christ should operate in a home.

The Christian community in America has, by and large, built a wall around itself. We've built a wall made of fear and ignorance, and it's separated us from our Maker and our fellow man. We have no credibility anymore, when we "go out" to "make disciples", because those potential disciples have already seen through the ruse. We think we're better than them, and they know it. Our church leaders have spent decades, if not centuries, developing an intricate theology that allows them to continue an Old Testament tradition of living richly off the fruits of another man's labors. We've allowed ourselves to believe the lie that some gifts are more worthy than others, and that those who are so gifted, who feel the "call" to "ministry", should get advanced degrees at seminaries, because we need those people to help us approach the Throne of Grace. And we really don't want to get to know someone, because we're far too busy as it is. "I can work you in next week" just doesn't cut it when someone's hurting.

So people who don't yet follow Christ see our advances merely as membership drives or fundraising campaigns. If we do get them to the church building, they'll barely have their seat warm before they'll hear talk of raising money for a new building, or of a missionary family in Fiji who needs more money to stay on the beach and minister to those poor, lost Fijians. They wonder how many homeless in our own community could be fed, clothed, and sheltered with the $4 million the church is planning to spend on that worship center. They wonder how many hungry could be fed with the pastor's salary, or with the money that Fijian missionary family spends to fly their 15 kids back and forth twice a year for support-raising activities. Worse yet, they'll likely leave the church building without a single person taking the time to connect with them on a truly personal level.

We've lost our way, people of God. We've lost our way. We all know it, if we'll look deeply enough within. But we're afraid. The unknown is a scary place, and being real with the man next to you is risky. If we tear down the wall of fear and ignorance we've built around our little community, we might find we have more in common with "those people" than we thought. And that might make us feel a little less superior. And that's hard to deal with; trust me.

The money shot*, or How now shall we live?

But that place, little lambs, is where grace meets us. It's not in a fancy church building or rented store front with a state-of-the-art sound system and song lyrics displayed on the big screen behind the stage. It's in the street and on the job site and in the board room and in the bar. It's in a warm and inviting home, when there are a dozen people sitting in the living room, and they're following the Holy Spirit's movements in their lives, or when they're connecting with each other over a meal. It's in a truly open relationship with someone who's not like us. It's in having a faith that's strong enough to venture onto the gray paths down which real life leads us. That's where grace meets us. We've forgotten that, if our actions are any indication. It's time we quit trying so hard to be perfected and started being ourselves and letting Jesus make us whole. It's only from that place of brokenness we can be healed.










*If you're still focused on the fact that I've said "shit" and "money shot", you've missed the point. Go back and read it again. Peace.